Six Questions I Teach My Children to Ask

I want my children to know that they can pause and look at what is happening inside their own minds.

That sounds like a very big idea for a small child, but it starts with ordinary moments. You are hungry and suddenly everything feels unfair. Someone does not share, and you decide it means they do not like you. You keep trying the same thing, even though it is clearly not working. Adults do all of this too.

I use six questions with my kids: State, Story, Strategy, Steps, System, and Values. In Chinese, we call them 看状态、看想法、选方法、看理由、看规则、选取舍.

We do not march through all six every time something happens. That would be unbearable. Usually one question is enough to help us see the problem more clearly.

1. State — 看状态

What state is my brain in right now? Am I ready to think?

This is where I start most often, especially with younger children. Are you hungry? Tired? Scared? Overstimulated? Embarrassed? So angry that you cannot really hear what anyone is saying?

Sometimes the best thinking tool is a snack, a hug, or a few quiet minutes. I do not ask a dysregulated child to give me a thoughtful analysis of why they are dysregulated. First we help the body settle. We can talk later.

Even toddlers can begin to notice: my voice is loud, my body feels tight, I want to grab. Naming the state gives them a little distance from it.

2. Story — 看想法

What story or assumption am I telling myself?

Our minds fill in missing information very quickly. A child thinks, “She did not share because she does not like me,” or “I got this wrong, so I am bad at it.” The feeling may be completely real. The explanation may still be a guess.

I ask: What happened? What do you think it means? Is there anything else it could mean?

I am not trying to talk my child out of every unhappy interpretation. Sometimes their interpretation is right. I want them to see the difference between what happened and the story their mind added afterward.

3. Strategy — 选方法

What kind of problem is this, and what might help?

Children often decide “I can’t do it” when the real problem is that the current approach is not working.

Do we need more information? More practice? A different tool? Help from someone else? A conversation? A break?

With a toddler, the choices may simply be: try again, ask for help, watch me do it once, or rest. I like this question because it moves us away from judging the child and toward choosing the next move.

4. Steps — 看理由

Did my reasoning make sense, given what I knew at the time?

A thoughtful choice can still end badly. A careless choice can occasionally work out beautifully. I do not want my children to judge every decision only by the result.

We go back through the steps. What did you know then? What did you expect to happen? Was there something you missed? Would you make the same choice again now?

This lets us learn without pretending that every bad outcome was predictable. It also helps children notice when they got lucky and should not repeat the same reasoning.

5. System — 看规则

What rules, rewards, or pressures are shaping what people do?

Children live inside systems long before they have a word for them. A classroom rewards certain behavior. A group of friends makes one choice feel safer than another. A game keeps offering one more reward. A family routine makes some actions easy and others difficult.

I ask: What is this rule encouraging? What happens if someone does not follow the group? What does this game want you to keep doing?

Noticing the system does not remove personal responsibility. It helps a child understand that behavior is influenced by more than personality or willpower.

6. Values — 选取舍

What matters here, and what tradeoff am I choosing?

Many hard decisions are hard because two things we care about are pulling in different directions. You want to be honest, and you do not want to hurt someone. You want independence, and you also want to belong.

I ask: What are you trying to protect? What are you willing to give up? Which cost can you live with?

There may not be one correct answer. I want my children to understand the choice they are making and why someone else might weigh the same values differently.

How I use this with young children

I do not teach this as a six-part lesson. I use the language in front of them.

“I am too frustrated to decide well right now.” “I think I may be telling myself a story.” “This method is not working; I need another strategy.”

I also try to wait until a child is actually able to think. The middle of a meltdown is not the moment to produce a framework. And not every small mistake needs a family debrief.

Over time, I hope these questions become voices my children can carry with them. What state am I in? What story am I telling myself? What kind of problem is this? Do my reasons hold up? What is the system doing? What am I choosing to value?

The words are less important than the pause. I want my children to feel that a thought, an emotion, or a rule can be noticed and examined. It does not have to make the next decision for them automatically.